Being My Mom’s Mom is a non-fiction book written from Loretta Veney’s perspective. She portrays how the various stages of dementia affect her journey in parenting her own mom, an unusual and difficult role reversal.
As dementia begins to take her mother Doris’ independence, Veney prodigiously displays their changing roles. She utilizes the ever-enduring patience and love a daughter gives her mother, as the battle to hold onto independence is thrust on Doris because of the dreaded disease.
As Doris’ independence begins to be slowly replaced by her total reliance on others, Loretta takes charge of life decisions small and large for Doris. The subject this book addresses is solemn, yet the conversational tone and sprinkles of humor make for an interesting, even entertaining read.
At age 44, Loretta Anne Woodward Veney notices her mother Doris beginning to change; she forgets where she had placed items, becomes confused while completing tasks, and repeats herself. Veney discusses her concerns with Doris before accompanying her to the doctor. After a battery of exams, Veney finds herself sitting beside her 77-year-old mother and listening to the doctor’s diagnosis: dementia. Their worst fears are confirmed.
The book’s 179 pages are filled with a series of loving, compassionate, caring vignettes that tell the tale of the changing dynamics between a mother and daughter as they live through this chronic disease. As Doris’ illness progresses, so does her changing characteristics – from independent to dependent, caregiver to being cared for. Not only do the vignettes tell the tale of a strong, continuous bond between a mother and daughter, but they also give invaluable insight into the world of those who suffer from dementia – both the diagnosed, and their loved ones.
In a remarkable display of her observational abilities, the author acts as a kind of detective and a natural researcher. She is constantly exploring new activities to help Doris stay engaged, stimulated, and physically active. She’s cognizant of keeping Doris safe in all respects, and is extremely patient with her increasing shortfalls and confusion. Veney takes an unyielding interest in theater and other culturally significant activities that are an important part of Doris’ past, and strives to incorporate these into their social and recreational time. This keeps Doris interested and engaged in their activities, feeling like she still belongs.
Veney relentlessly continues her education, seeking out new resources and applying newly learned medical techniques immediately. Not only does Veney use this information to help her mother, but she also presents it to others who can take her learning to heart. She speaks at seminars, teaching and sharing her journey living with a mom diagnosed with dementia. Her desire is for others to have more knowledge than she did, so that they can travel the road with fewer roadblocks and plenty of confidence and knowledge.
Loretta is the only one around to help her mother, even though she has an older daughter and granddaughter. Her sister does not live locally, and she has health challenges of her own — she lives with a disability and her daughter must assist her. Subsequently, Loretta and Doris are dependent on non-family caregivers for support and respite.
As Doris’ symptoms become more severe, they result in her increased confusion, anxiety, fear, paranoia, and mistrust. One day, she accuses her caregivers of taking some articles of clothing. After Doris’ rage, Veney investigates and discovers that Doris had thrown the clothes in the trash herself. The dementia destroyed her memory so much that she had forgotten. Doris constantly forgets, but she continues insisting that another incident occurred or that other events never happened at all. These scenes will be familiar to those readers who are walking the same path as Loretta and Doris.
It is quite evident that the joy, love, genuine bonding, and caring between Doris and Loretta significantly impacts the relationship that dementia would force them to forge. Highlighted in Veney’s narrative is her exemplary patience and her unyielding quest to improve Doris’ quality of life through to the end.
She makes a conscious effect to address Doris directly, including her in conversations and not allowing her to feel like an outsider. She brings the reader into her mother’s world using these same conventions in her writings.
Veney is gentle and unhurried in her approach, always explaining decisions and taking photos to help spark Doris’ memory, and ease her anxiety when the dementia gets the best of her. She shares these details with the reader helping them to see how the support bridges the gap in her mother’s memory, and showing the reader the journey of dementia daily.
The author’s approach is never condescending, and it preserves the fragile dignity of her mother. She praises her frequently, and this increases Doris’ self-confidence and preserves her independence, bringing out the best of Doris’s personality, showing her to be a gentle and loving woman.
Toward the latter stages of Doris’ dementia, unfortunately, Veney finds herself constantly battling with her mom about what to wear, when to eat, and reminding her that she has to finish dinner before having dessert, her favorite part of the meal. Doris reminds Veney that she is not the mother in their relationship; yet, Veney sees her mom becoming more and more dependent, forcing Veney to take on this new role as child becomes the parent. This realization is accompanied by a moment when the title of the book pops in her head: Being My Mom’s Mom.
The title points to the role reversal that is the theme of the book. I personally think the title is catchy, and the author does effectively project the switch throughout the entire book. However, with that said, I find the idea of the author defining herself as her mother’s mom a bit presumptuous. For many women, being a mom is their greatest love and achievement — Veney should be cautious as she takes that away from her mother, even if she is a dependent adult reliant on her daughter to provide her care.
The cover sparked my interest immediately as it explicitly illustrates the book’s title. The photo depicts a child and an older woman, clearly a mother and a daughter. Poignantly, I cannot decipher who in the photo is the mom and who is the child.
Paul Roberts Abernathy, Veney’s longtime friend, writes a moving forward, pushing the reader forward to the next 10 chapters. The first chapter is the longest, ranging about 40 pages, whereas the remaining nine are generally ten pages or less. The longer first chapter is used to set up the background, but it does not feel excessive as the length is consistent with the amount of exposition. The book itself contains many photos and it concludes with a list of references.
I strongly suggest you read this book. It will not disappoint you. It enables adult children to become prepared for the realities and complexities of dealing with an aging parent. There is a natural aging process that everyone expects, but there also can be unexpected detours along the way.
Veney has packed her memoir full of invaluable research and resources about dementia and elderly care — websites, books, and articles. Consequently, this book also serves as a guide and handbook for those who are caring, or preparing to care, for their parents, as well as for others who think they might one day become their elderly loved one’s provider.
I do hope this memoir serves as a catalyst to start meaningful conversation between parents and children, helping to figure out what they might do before a crisis occurs. Hopefully, children will be aware and on the lookout for changes occurring in their parents, and parents will feel comfortable openly discussing their concerns with their children.
